BOLO ISSUED: Nation Melts Down After Groundhog Declares Six More Weeks of Winter
Phil Faces Charges, Floats 2028 Run, Blames Lack of Coffee
PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA — Groundhog Day, February 2, 2026, started like any other cold morning: frozen windshields, missing gloves, and a fragile sense of hope. But amid an already tense national mood, this year’s forecast proved to be the final snowflake that collapsed the igloo.
Moments after Punxsutawney Phil emerged and confidently announced six more weeks of winter, authorities issued a emotionally justified BOLO for the rodent forecaster. Charges reportedly include Giving False Information, Inducing Panic, and Public Outrage, a crime newly defined as “saying something everyone absolutely did not want to hear.”
Witnesses at Gobbler’s Knob described instant chaos.
“Straight to jail!” shouted one attendee.
“Throw away the key!” yelled another.
A third demanded, “Give him the electric chair!” before admitting they were mostly just cold and hungry.
Others insisted it was malicious prosecution and that Phil was being targeted for “speaking uncomfortable seasonal truths.”
Minnesotans became unhinged when he predicting 6 more weeks of ICE. With one stating “Well, he’s not white and he doesn’t speak English so he’s a prime target these days.” With Minnesotans, already locked in a long-term lease agreement with ice, reportedly melted at the mere mention of “six more weeks of ICE.” One resident then tried to summarized the outrage, but was later dismissed after being fact-checked, and later retracted after a reminder that the groundhog is, in fact, just a groundhog.
As tensions rose, rumors began swirling that Phil—buoyed by media attention and strong name recognition was considering a 2028 presidential run on the Republican ticket, campaigning on a bold platform of “Six More Weeks of Ice and You’ll Like It.”
By nightfall, Phil was “taken into custody” (escorted back to his burrow) and formally charged with Disorderly Forecasting, where he now awaits a bond hearing, presumably overseen by a judge who also just wants spring.
“Serves you right. You had ONE job, Phil.”
BREAKING NEWS UPDATE: Phil Claps Back
“I Wasn’t Looking for My Shadow, I Was Looking for My Coffee.”
In an exclusive press conference outside his burrow, the world’s most overworked and underappreciated meteorologist finally broke his silence.
“Let me clear this up,” Phil said. “I wasn’t looking for my shadow, I was looking for my coffee. You try waking up before dawn, surrounded by cameras, politicians, and people yelling contradictory opinions, without caffeine, and see how accurate your predictions are.”
Phil, who has been contractually obligated to this role since 1887, did not mince words.
“Every year, they drag me out like I’m the weather version of a State of the Union address. Bright lights, zero prep time, and then everyone acts shocked when I retreat. Wouldn’t you?”
Prosecutor was quick to point out Phil’s inconsistent accuracy, noting that a coin flip might perform just as well.
Phil fired back quickly.
“Oh, I’m sorry—are we trusting the same weather apps that say ‘sunny’ while you’re actively being rained on? Interesting choice.”
Phil also hinted at labor negotiations with his handlers, Phil’s Inner Circle.
“All I’m saying is, if there were an espresso machine in my burrow, maybe just maybe spring would arrive sooner.”
For now, Phil stands by his forecast, citing scheduling conflicts and a previously booked nap.
“Wake me up when Starbucks starts a groundhog loyalty program,” he muttered, disappearing underground.
Flashback: 2025 Didn’t Go Great Either
On Groundhog Day 2025, Phil also saw his shadow and predicted six more weeks of winter. According to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, that forecast turned out to be wrong proving once again that long-term predictions made before sunrise should be taken with a grain of road salt.
Final Twist
Phil’s ex-wife, now living comfortably in Florida, wasted no time speaking to the media.
“He’s a compulsive liar,” she said from a patio chair in 72-degree weather, before declining further comment and ordering another ice drink.
Stay tuned for updates… or at least until next year, when Phil will once again be summoned to decide the nation’s mood based entirely on vibes, shadows, and whether he’s had his coffee yet.
