BREAKING: Ashland Braces for Cold, Cruel, Ice-Creamless Winter
ASHLAND — In what can only be described as the saddest development since the invention of sugar-free Jell-O, Yoder’s Red Barn Ice Cream will be closing for the summer season in just four short days. Citizens are reportedly preparing emergency support groups, candlelight vigils, and possibly a black-tie farewell gala in the parking lot.
The iconic red-roofed sugar palace, known for handing out happiness one scoop at a time, will dim its neon glow at exactly 9:30 p.m. on Tuesday, September 30th. After that? A barren wasteland. No cones. No splits. Just tears freezing in the autumn wind.
“This is a national tragedy,” said one local ice-cream enthusiast (okay, fine, it was me). “How am I supposed to survive the winter without my banana split—made the classic way, of course, but with caramel drizzle and pecans because I’m extra like that?”
But the real gut-punch? The now-famous Pumpkin Roll Sundae. It’s not your average fall dessert. Picture it: a swirl of vanilla ice cream, a caramel racetrack spun around the cup like a NASCAR for sugar addicts, a fluffy mountain of whipped cream, and then—out of nowhere—a whole slab of pumpkin roll just casually laying there like it owns the place. Locals describe it as “sweet sin on a spoon” and “the best scandal in Ashland since someone tried to pass off margarine at the county fair.”
Whether you’re a pumpkin-spice loyalist or just chasing that caramel drizzle, this sundae has become the headline dessert of fall 2025. And now? Poof. Gone. Until next year.
So, Ashland, brace yourselves. Stock your freezers. Write your goodbye notes. And for the love of dairy, savor every bite in these final days. Because when the barn door closes, the only thing colder than January in Ohio will be our ice-creamless hearts.
🍌 Banana splits in jeopardy.
🎃 Pumpkin Roll Sundae fans in mourning.
💔 Local morale expected to plummet.
Officials urge: “Eat now, cry later.”
