BREAKING: Punxsutawney Phil Claps Back

Joe Lyons • February 4, 2025

BREAKING: Punxsutawney Phil Claps Back – “I Wasn’t Looking for My Shadow, I Was Looking for My Coffee”

Punxsutawney, PA – In a shocking turn of events, the world’s most overworked and underappreciated meteorologist, Punxsutawney Phil, has finally broken his silence after yet another year of winter-despair-inducing headlines.

“Let me clear this up,” Phil said in an exclusive press conference held outside his burrow. “I wasn’t looking for my shadow—I was looking for my coffee. You try waking up to a crowd of thousands before dawn without caffeine and see how accurate your weather predictions are.”

Phil, who has been contractually obligated to this gig since 1887, expressed his frustration with the annual spectacle. “Every year, they yank me out of my warm burrow like I’m a prize in some bizarre weather-themed carnival game. They shine blinding lights in my face, expect me to make an accurate forecast on zero notice, and then act surprised when I retreat. Wouldn’t you?”

Critics argue that Phil’s track record is spotty at best, with some meteorologists pointing out that a coin flip would be just as reliable. But Phil fired back. “Oh, I’m sorry, you trust the same weather apps that tell you it’ll be sunny, and then you get caught in a downpour? Please.”

The rodent prognosticator also hinted at labor negotiations with his handler, Phil’s Inner Circle. “All I’m saying is, if I had an espresso machine in my burrow, maybe—just maybe—spring would come a little sooner.”

As of now, Phil remains firm on his forecast of six more weeks of winter, mostly because he’s already committed to his post-shadow nap. “Wake me up when Starbucks starts a groundhog loyalty program,” he muttered before disappearing back into his den.

Stay tuned for more updates—or at least until next year, when Phil is once again rudely awakened for the sake of tradition.