Humor of The Day

Sad News From Minnesota

• January 19, 2024

In a tragic turn of events, SAD NEWS FROM MINNESOTA broke out yesterday, as the beloved Pillsbury Doughboy met an unfortunate fate at the age of 75.

The iconic figure, known for his infectious belly laugh and squeezable tummy, succumbed to a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes.

The Doughboy was laid to rest in a lightly greased coffin, surrounded by dozens of celebrities who came to pay their respects. Mrs Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and even Captain Crunch were among the mourners.

The grave site was adorned with an abundance of various flours, a fitting tribute to the famous doughy character. Aunt Jemima stepped up to deliver a heartfelt eulogy, reminiscing about Doughboy’s humble origins in Minnesota and describing him as a man who never fully realized his own importance in the world of baked goods.

Although he may have had his share of half-baked schemes, Doughboy, with his quirky personality, still managed to become a positive roll model for millions.

He is survived by his wife Play Dough, their three children: John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough, and the promise of another child on the way. His elderly father, Pop Tart, also mourns the loss of his doughy son.

In a brief ceremony held at 3:50, which lasted about 20 minutes, the world said goodbye to this crusty old man who left an indelible mark on all our hearts. May he rest in peace, and may his infectious laughter continue to bring smiles to the lucky few who were fortunate enough to “poke” his belly.

a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser

• December 28, 2023

HUMOR OF THE DAY:

Last weekend I saw something at The Army Disposal Shop that sparked my interest. I was looking for a little something different for my wife Jen. What I came across was

.

The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Jen what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Blue looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Blue (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control;

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.

I’m sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ‘Don’t do it stupid,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE…@*&% !!!

I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the lounge, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:

If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a Taser,

one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!

A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

· My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV.

· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

· I had no control over the drooling.

· Apparently, I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.

· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I’m still looking for my testicles and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

ASHLAND WEATHER