DIANNE’S DOGHOUSE
Joe Lyons •
June 20, 2023
DIANNE’S DOGHOUSE
An unusual tribute to mothers by Erma Bombeck
When the Good Lord was creating mothers, He was so into His sixth day of “overtime” when the angel appeared and said, “You’re doing a lot of fiddling around on this one.”
And the Lord said, “Have you read the spec on this order? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic. Have 180 movable parts—all replaceable. Run on black coffee and leftovers. Have a lap that disappears when she stands up. A kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair. And six pairs of hands.
The angel shook her head slowly and said, “Six pairs of hands—no way.”
“It’s not the hands that are causing me problems,” said the Lord, “It’s the three pairs of eyes Mothers have to have.”
“That’s on the standard model?” asked the angel.
The Lord nodded. “One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks, ‘What are you kids doing in there?’ when she already knows. Another here in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn’t but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in front so she can look at a child when he goofs and say, ‘I understand, and I love you,’ without so much as uttering a word.”
“Lord,” said the angel touching His sleeve gently, “come to bed. Tomorrow…”
“I can’t,” said the Lord, “I’m so close to creating something so close to myself. Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick…. can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger….and can get a 9-year-old to stand under the shower.”
The angel circled the model of a mother very slowly. “It’s too soft,” she sighed.
“But tough!” said the Lord excitedly. “You cannot imagine what this mother can do or endure.”
“Can it think?”
“Not only think, but it can reason and compromise,” said the Creator.
Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek. “There’s a leak,” she pronounced. “I told You that You were trying to put too much into this model.”
“It’s not a leak,” said the Lord. “It’s a tear.”
“What’s it for?”
“It’s for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness, and pride.”
“You are a genius,” said the angel.
The Lord looked somber. “I didn’t put it there.”
Blessings,
Dianne Hammontree, secretary of Homeward Bound Dog Shelter