Sad News From Minnesota
Joe Lyons •
January 19, 2024
In a tragic turn of events, SAD NEWS FROM MINNESOTA broke out yesterday, as the beloved Pillsbury Doughboy met an unfortunate fate at the age of 75.
The iconic figure, known for his infectious belly laugh and squeezable tummy, succumbed to a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes.
The Doughboy was laid to rest in a lightly greased coffin, surrounded by dozens of celebrities who came to pay their respects. Mrs Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and even Captain Crunch were among the mourners.
The grave site was adorned with an abundance of various flours, a fitting tribute to the famous doughy character. Aunt Jemima stepped up to deliver a heartfelt eulogy, reminiscing about Doughboy’s humble origins in Minnesota and describing him as a man who never fully realized his own importance in the world of baked goods.
Although he may have had his share of half-baked schemes, Doughboy, with his quirky personality, still managed to become a positive roll model for millions.
He is survived by his wife Play Dough, their three children: John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough, and the promise of another child on the way. His elderly father, Pop Tart, also mourns the loss of his doughy son.
In a brief ceremony held at 3:50, which lasted about 20 minutes, the world said goodbye to this crusty old man who left an indelible mark on all our hearts. May he rest in peace, and may his infectious laughter continue to bring smiles to the lucky few who were fortunate enough to “poke” his belly.